For centuries, man has sought wisdom and insight where often none could be found. For Gary, wisdom and insight are second nature. This sexy, savvy, thirty-something has wisdom and more to spare. On occasion, he has even been known to impart it on others - even when they do not desire it. This is the sort of man that he is.
The National Association of Shrines to People Who Are Too Modest To Start Their Own Shrine has authorized me to develop and build this shrine. I originally said no, but as I interviewed the individual to be honored, I found that I simply could not say no. Below is the initial interview in its entirety. I know that you will enjoy reading it, because Gary said that you would.
Heath: "Gary, I have to tell you. At first, I was skeptical about this project."
Gary: "Yes, I foresaw that."
Heath: "But then, you gave me fifty bucks. And the change was almost miraculous."
Gary: "Oh, yes. I have that effect on people. Sometimes, even without money."
Heath: "So tell me a little about yourself."
Gary: "Oh, I'm just a humble man. I'm perfect in every way, but I don't let that stop other people from basking in my radiance."
Heath: "You're a virtual saint."
Gary: "Oh, pshaw. Well, yeah. Yeah, I guess I am."
Heath: "Tell me about your children, what are they like?"
Gary: "Oh, I love my children. The first three, Wendy, Diane and Gerald, I think it was. They're alright, I guess. I dunno. But my fourth child, CompostTumbler is my true pride and joy. He's so quiet, and he always does what he's told. He even brings alot to the farm, which is a big plus. I think that's why I love him the most."
Heath: "I've heard a great deal about your farming prowess."
Gary: "Of course you have. It was bound to happen. Yes, I enjoy farming. I'm way batter at it than you, and I don't mind saying so. From radishes to radicchio, I can grow it. I even have an electric fence around my property. People think that it's to keep animals out, but I'll share a little secret with you - it's just to keep my family from stealing all of my gardening secrets."
Heath: "Oh? I don't suppose that you'd like to share one of your secrets with your loyal fans reading this interview, would you?"
Gary: "No, I wouldn't. But because I am so wonderful, I will anyway. People, I can't stress this enough - old gym socks are a great way to fertilize plants. I personally wear the ones I use in my garden for months on end, to get them good and fertile, and then I lovingly place the plant seeds and bulbs within them, and bury them in the ground. You would not believe the results."
Heath: "Oh, I've seen them. And I've been paid to endorse them as a true believer."
Gary: "I knew you'd say that."
Heath: "What about insecticides. Are you an organic farmer?"
Gary: "Well, I do have a bionic leg, but... oh. Oh, I see what you mean. Yes, I only use organic insecticides. I prepare a special blend of armpit sweat and bubble-gum induced saliva that I spray on the plants and veggies right up the day that I pick them. My family just thinks it's extra flavor in my vegetables, so I don't spoil the illusion for them. It just wouldn't be right."
Heath: "That's very kind of you. Tell me about your working life. Being an electrician must be an exciting profession, requiring a great deal of skill."
Gary: "Oh, it is - and it does. I only work as an electrician to humble myself. My true calling was parallel-dimensional physics and waffle manipulation, but I just felt like a show off. Besides, no one understood my thesis papers, so I just quit trying. The world clearly was not ready to accept my vast knowledge.
As for being an electrician, it pays the bills, I guess. People try to pay them for me because they like me so much, but I have to send them away or renew my restraining orders against them. Being me is a full time job.
I am in the process of waiting for "The Gary" to be recognized as a unit of electrical measure of... well, nevermind. You wouldn't get it, but suffice it to say that I've been waiting for nearly ten years for someone who can actually understand it, so that I can get the name out there. The time will come, but I may be long dead before then. It will be my legacy, I suppose."
Heath: "Your death is something that you have some unique views on. Tell us more about that."
Gary: "You're quite right. I know that when I'm gone, everyone will mourn my loss, and praise my achievements. But I got to thinking - is that enough? I feel just awful that while they are thinking of me, they cannot see me. So I've formed a U.S. Department of Agriculture task force to drop eighty-million high-color glossy headshots of me from a plane across the United States after I'm gone.
I've also comissioned Paula Deen to make full-sized butter sculptures of me for each of my family members who I know will be devestated. This way they can enjoy my presence for a while longer. A delicious while, to boot."
Heath: "All of that comissioning must have cost you quite alot of money. How did you pay for it?"
Gary: "Oh, I still had alot of money left over from the advance on my best-selling book, "How to be handsome without killing anyone", and that helped alot."
Heath: "Tell us a little about your wife, what is she like?"
Gary: "Oh, yeah. That was interesting. I had a hard time finding anyone to marry. It turns out that you can't marry yourself; or even a full-sized picture of yourself. So, I guess, she was the next best thing. Or she was convenient, I don't recall. Let's talk more about me."
Heath: "I hear there is a new project in the works for you; a museum?"
Gary: "Oh! Yes, that was a real coup on my part. I got the state of West Virginia to approve a set-aside of four thousand acres for the Hee-Haw National Memorial Monument.
Funny story: We had to kill off an endangered species of flying squirrel to get the place, but once they heard that it was to make me happy, the Government said, "Sure!" in a heartbeat. Even the wildlife activists thanked me - they didn't have to chain themselves to trees in solidatiry with the furry little munchkins anymore, so they could finally go home. People always see that I'm right - sometimes it just takes them a minute."
Heath: "What will be included within this momument?"
Gary: "Oh, I don't know. The Minnie Pearl water ride. The Granpa Jones Incontinator will be popular. A statue of my benevolent magnificence every three feet or so. The Buck Owens Buck Naked revue hasn't been the selling point that I had hoped, but I know that because it's me, the park developers will come around. Oh! And Roy Clarks' head will tell fortunes."
Heath: "I hear that you're quite the joke teller, is that moniker warranted?"
Gary: "Any positive moniker that I garner is always warranted. Yes, all of my jokes are funny - hilarious really - and well thought out. If people don't laugh at them, it is usually only because I am so much more advanced in my humor than they could ever hope to be. In a way, I almost feel sorry for them - almost."
Heath: "Your modesty is almost Herculean."
Gary: "Yes. Yes it is. It pains me to be so modest, but I take several prescriptions for it, so the pain is kept in check."
Heath: "What about grandchildren?"
Gary: "Oh, I love all of my grandchildren - more than my own children, mostly because I don't have to deal with them. It's nice to visit my children though, to see my grandchildren. And I know that my kids appreciate my presence, so that I may show them how to raise their children right - not the way they're doing it. It is amusing to watch them do it incorrectly, so that I may correct them; then they can appreciate me all the more. And isn't that what it's all about? Me?"
Heath: "Absolutely. Tell me about your siblings, how do they respond to you?"
Gary: "Oh, they're jealous. But then they remember how wonderful it is to be able to tell all of their friends that they're actually related to me. That makes them feel all warm and fuzzy inside, so everything is right with the world. They love me so much sometimes, I think it hurts them."
Heath: "Who wouldn't. I'm normally not in any way attracted to men, but the ten bucks you gave me to say this compels me to say it - you are one handsome hombre."
Gary: "Take a picture. It's only a nominal fee of fifteen dollars, and it lasts longer. If you want anything more than black and white though, you'll have to consult my agent."
Heath: "What about your mother, is she as proud of you as your siblings?"
Gary: "Of course. My mother always tells me that the only reason she had children was to be lucky enough to get one like me. For her, it was like winning a lottery; a lottery of swelling pride and joy. Sometimes I make her heart ache with pride. She talks about me to all of her friends, whether they want to hear it or not; she knows how imoprtant it is for them to hear about me, not being able to meet me personally. It's her calling in life."
Heath: "This must make your siblings jealous."
Gary: "Oh, it does. But in a good way. Mom always pretends to love them, just to make them feel better. But the majority of the love goes to me. I don't mind sharing a little of the extra with them now and again. It's my duty, after all, as a benevolent human being."
Heath: "What do you do when you're not staring at yourself in a mirror, working or gardening?"
Gary: "Well, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I ghostwrite The Farmer's Almanac each year. That takes a great deal of my time and handsomeness to complete. It's alot of work for a normal person; but not for someone like me."
Heath: "What does the future hold for you?"
Gary: "Oh, I'll probably go to the moon again... er. I'm not supposed to talk about that, actually. Can we strike that?"
Heath: "Nope, sorry."
Gary: "Uh oh."
Heath: "Have you ever considered therapy for your narcissism?"
Gary: "Whodepy for my whaticism? I don't understand the question, so I won't answer it."
Heath: "Did you ever serve in the military?"
Gary: "Yes, but not in a conventional way. President Eisenhower said that I was far too handsome to be shot at. I thought about this, and realized that that handsomeness could be used as a weapon. So, I recommended that full-sized shields be manufactured for our soldiers to carry into battle. Once there, my glorious visage would stun the enemy long enough for them to be subdued. It's how we won the war with Nigeria."
Heath: "I've not heard of that war."
Gary: "That's why. The weapon worked so well, it was over too fast. The history books never got a chance to document it. The damage was measured in mega-Garys. It was insurmountable, and that is why Nigeria has been reduced to sending spam e-mails to Americans for money."
Heath: "Thank you for the time you have afforded us here today. I know that I speak for everyone when I say that we are all better people for having known you. More so for being able to read this intimate portrait of a true American Treasure."
Gary: "Of course you are. Who wouldn't be? That just goes without saying."